ass_co.

AssCo's Favorite Waiter Blog*

2006-05-24T20:18:00.000-07:00

Here at AssCo we have a sacred duty to bring our readers all the ass-related news that's fit to blog. So it is with great joy that we bring you word of Ass Shot, the mezmerizing blog of the ass of the half-naked waiter at new fabulously sleazy gay bar mr.Black. Every Friday night, the dance floor fills with models, drunk gays, and celebrities (for instance, Alan Cumming, at left) who want to pose with the waiter's ass, and the evidence is all here. It's like Lastnightsparty, starring one ass.

Because we go the extra mile for you, we visited Mr. Black (after hearing about the ass on Gawker) and have examined the ass in person, and we can vouch that it is cute. If you are more into beefy types, check out the bartenders-all rumored to be porn stars.

*Outside of our professional capacity here at Assco, we are big fans of Waiterrant as well, but the ass:word ratio on that blog does not meet AssCo's stringent requirements.

AssCo Movie Night!

2006-05-21T20:25:00.000-07:00

Way back in 1975, one of my favorite directors, Catherine Breillat, wrote the screenplay for Catherine et Cie (Catherine & Co.) about a prostitute (played by Miss Jane Birkin) who decides to incorporate. I haven't seen it (if Assco had an amazon wishlist, this would be on it) but according to the NY Times review:

Catherine is an English girl, played by Jane Birkin, who comes to Paris with a vague offer of a job. The job gets vaguer and she has to find a way to sleep and eat. Her first device has some ingenuity: she sleeps, literally, with a succession of rich men. The literally lies in her ability to get them talking about their businesses with such enthusiasm and at such length that ardor is virtually forgotten.

When this gimmick runs out, she allows herself to be kept, in more traditional French-farce fashion, by four men. She treats them as investors rather than clients, however, and allows herself to be kept as a kind of Common Market effort in venture capitalism. It all pays off handsomely, and love, independence and prosperity are more or less equally served in the end.

And according to the Celebrity Nudity Database (who knew??): Ms. Birkin does quite a bit of nude scenes in this movie. She has very small tits,but very attractive tits and a great ass. (Thanks, CNdb!)

***
Interesting fact about Miss Jane Birkin: it's her at age 21 making those naughty sounds with Brigitte Bardot on (her future husband) Serge Gainsbourg's "Je T'Aime...Moi Non Plus," originally on the 1969 album "Jane Birkin and Serge Gainsbourg," and later covered by the Pet Shop Boys, Cat Power, and Dzihan & Kamien.

Ass me no questions, I’ll tell you no thighs.

2006-03-09T10:03:00.000-08:00

Long time ass-grabber, first time ass-blogger.

I can’t tell you how glad I am that I decided to join Ass Co. (health benefits!) I was offered a job for more money over at Balls Ltd., but this just feels like home. The training period was amazing, I am now a certified aesthetician in NY State, and I’m on my way to being promoted to Assistant Treasurer. Assistant Ass Treasurer.

For my first post, I wanted to pose a question that might generate some discussion. I ass you this: why is it that you only seem get ass when you aren’t actively pursuing it? It seems to me like you can’t search out ass, that ass has to come and find you.

Also, why did I have to wait 25 years to hear the term: “more ass then a toilet seat,” that’s friggin’ hilarious!

First Post Ever - Best Post Ever!

2006-03-02T08:09:00.000-08:00

Hey kids,

So, I am officially one of the employees of ASS CO., but I guess you could say I've been out on maternity leave... But what a way to come back - 30 pounds lighter and with these AMAZING photos! ASSTASTIC! Enjoy...

Now, I'd just like to say that I got these photos in an email that said, "What you see below are not see-thru skirts. They are actually prints on the skirts to make it look as if the panties are visible and these are the current rage in Japan. They'll be the rage here in the USA soon." Initially I thought maybe, because you know those Harujuku Girls are a little nuts, but then it dawned on me that if a woman was going to spray paint an ass on her ass, she wouldn't even dream of having that ass have a wedgie - as in the third photo down, nor would she work in a magazine/candy store and wear an apron ten sizes too big that makes her look like a grandma as in the second to last photo above. So clearly these photos are "tricks," as they say. Oh you crazy photoshop jokester! Objectifiying Asian women! That is so original! I have to say, though, I do think the second photo down is not only hot due to the thong-th-thong-thong-thong, but it shows a lot of artistic quality as well. (And I love the way her skirt matches that bit of sweatshirt peeking out of her collar!)

Now, I feel 99.9% sure that these photos aren't real - but just in case I'm wrong, here's hoping that what happens in Asia stays in Asia! I have a hard enough time finding a decent pair of underwear - I don't want to have to search for overwear, too!

Just how hot is Justine Joli?

2006-02-27T10:19:00.000-08:00

Justine Joli
Originally uploaded by morbidthoughts.

Smokin'. Even cuter, sexier, and more adorable in person. Several of us assco-ers saw her at Tristan Taormino's House of Ass party last night. It was a hot and truly ASS-tastic time.

Haiku for the three month sexless relationship

2006-02-24T12:54:00.000-08:00

Come on girl, fuck me
I can't wait any longer
Get it over with

assco office party

2006-02-24T12:39:00.000-08:00

How did that pre-Valentine's day thingy turn out, I live in Queens and got snowed out, did it turn out okay despite the weather?

Assco Office Party

2006-02-11T17:18:00.000-08:00

Party
Originally uploaded by candiedyams.

No awkward moments, just lingerie models and cocktails. See you there!

Ass'errific.

2006-02-01T14:16:00.000-08:00

Jesus, Mary and fricken Joseph. Has anyone seen the new video by Beyonce called 'Check On It'? Ive never seen ass movement like that. Now no one is getting this ass besides Jay Z (supposidly) but for the love of God where did she learn to move like that? This still here doesn't really capture the pure movement of her ass when she was in this video. I was impressed more than turned on though(you can't prove that I'm lying). Can we make her like the ass_co mascot? Well not even Beyonce herself, but just the dance she does. I gotta find an animated gif of it or SOMETHING. If anyone happens to have the animated gif of this dance send it to me. I would use it as an avatar on the new ass_co myspace page.

Yes. We're getting on myspace. Ass all around the world bitches.

ejw

"The Art of Getting Ass"

2006-01-31T11:27:00.000-08:00

Okay. So I get bored occasionally.

And on this occasions i do things that I might not normally do if i had a full healthy schedule. Or just a schedule that I didn't try to contantly ignore by doing a multitude of other crap. On this occasion I decided to play with my good friend Google. Hmm what could i throw into the old google machine this time. And it seemed to painfully obvious.

"The Art of Getting Ass"

And ofcourse I pressed the 'Im feeling lucky' button.

Lo and behold.

4. ASSimilation
the art of getting ass; the art of having many sexual expiriences.

Someone actually defined assimilation as the art of getting ass. This is stretching it folks. I mean come on. If this is the case can't we just change all types of words to various ass related meanings?

Arsenal - The amount of ass someone is packing.

Assault - when the ass backs up on ya but you werent ready.

Asthmatic - When you have a hard time breathing when you are lacking ass.

Ascended - When youve gotten all up in the ass.

Asuka! - I dont know. 'Tino yells this shit all the time. I assume its something about panamanian ass.

I can keep going.

But I won't....

Unless you want me to...

ejw

Stop judging the ASS

2006-01-30T08:20:00.000-08:00

I was talking to someone over the weekend and it just so happened the subject of "ass_co." came up. This girl started to gasp at the idea of a group dedicated to the persuit of ass. I laughed at her and told her to un-clench and relax but she became indignant.

"It's things like this that ruin the sanctity of love!"

I thought I was in 1940's flick staring Humphry Bogart.

I understand that not everyone can get Ass and call it a day. I understand that for some, the act of ass-getting(or 'sexin' as some would prefer to call it.) is a deep spiritual thing. And to these people I say kudos. Get that spirtual ass. Get it and then snuggle all night to your hearts desire.

But dont rain on the Ass_getting parade.

If people are getting ass, I mean they are on the ass hunt, they see ass and they grab it and do things that can only be described as several shades of dirty, they have that right. They aren't destroying the sanctity of love. If you said 'i love you' and then got some ass and then was like 'psych muthafucka!' then fine. Thats the destruction of sanctity of love. But if its all...

'Hey, I think you're hot and I would love to do rude things to you for long periods of time'

and then the other person is like

'Indeed. I think I would find that enjoyable.'*

THEN LET THEM DO IT. VIVA LA ASS!

*Thats not how I request ass, but I'm sure that there are some proper folks out there, and i'm sure when they are are ass hunting it goes like that. And they wear a tophat.

And suspenders.

I disagree with Self magazine and “More Meaningful Ass"

2006-01-26T01:34:00.000-08:00

Strife in Assco! Division and derision among the ranks! I read the recent post, “more meaningful ass?” which mentions a Self magazine article, “More Meaningful Sex”, and which has “Assco” solutions for the tips written therein. I, as an Assco member, cannot have this post speak for me! I cannot and will not be silenced! Assco is a democracy, not an empire! So included in this post, is my take on the Self magazine article, with my elucidation on said “tips”. I hope this post sparks debate in the Assco community, and heightens our collective pursuit of ass! Democracy can only remain strong if it polices itself. Let the drama begin!

1. Self tip: rediscover kissing. MY ASSCO TIP: REDISCOVER ORAL SEX.

Ladies, if you’re too fucking shy or unsure about your sexuality to give a blowjob, you can’t complain about your lack of fun and orgasms in the bedroom. Guys, if you don’t go down on a woman, you really should turn in your cock, you have no use for it. Anybody who does not engage in oral sex should be BOOTED from the bedroom. PERIOD! And yes, there is such a thing as bad oral. Fucking learn how to eat a pussy or suck a dick. Learn both! It WILL make you a better lover. Just learn!

2. Self tip: Perfect a Look. MY ASSCO TIP: perfect a way to look at a girl’s ass without her noticing.

Try it on subway steps, escalators and supermarket check-out lines. Ladies, please look at us more, and LET US SEE YOU LOOKING! It’s the 21st century, be more aggressive, godammit!

3. Self tip: Try touching (outside of bed). MY ASSCO TIP: How about touching inside the bed first.

Holy shit, we Americans are so damn repressed. FUCKING TOUCH ME! You’re looking at my dick the way you would look at a homeless man drunk and stumbling around on the subway with a hypodermic in his eye. I’m a nice man, have some trust for once in your goddamn life. Guys, again, should I have to spell this out for you, you gay wads? Touch the woman. Nicely! I happened to be in a three-way situation once, my best friend, his ex and I. He was touching her so rough, you could see her wince! We are not building a building, no ground is being broken. Because of guys not knowing how to touch a woman, I don’t get laid. Stop being so self absorbed and think about me jerk offs!

4. Self tip: Focus on the positive. MY ASSCO TIP: Focus on the negative.

Hell yes! Ladies and Gentleman, focus on your partners negative qualities, it takes a lot of pressure off of you to perform when you know your partner cannot finish a crossword, bake a cake, or parallel park. Even better if there are physical imperfections! This rule requires a little tact. I’m not saying to say it to their face. If they are being an asshole, then let them have it! I’m not gonna let a girl give me a fucking attitude if she’s got a mole on her face, except maybe Cindy Crawford. (But I will focus on the fact that poor Cindy is over the hill). Ladies, if a guy is being an asshole, mention his gut, thinning hair, or lack of muscle definition, as well as his dick, he’s probably not fucking you good anyways. Focus on the NEGATIVE!

5. Self tip: Pay attention. MY ASSCO TIP: Pay attention to yourself!

Damn Skippy, pay attention to yourself first, then to your partner. Nothing is more sexy then someone who is confident in their shit. The bedroom is no different. CHILL THE FUCK OUT! Guys, relax, take a breath, be in the moment, get all those stupid voices out of your heads, don’t worry about the rubber or how you have to please her, AND THEN proceed to make that bitch holler! Ladies, enjoy your sex. Stop thinking about your little imperfections and then projecting that fear and shame onto us, cut the psychology shit out! Guys don’t give a fuck if you’re a pound or two overweight; we’re NOT looking at your fingernails; we’re not concerned with whether you washed your hair today or not. He’s in the bedroom with you, naked, right now! Obviously there is something about you that he likes! So cut the shit, and enjoy yourself.

6. Self tip: Forsake the fake (orgasm). MY ASSCO TIP: FAKE IT IF YOU HAVE TO!

Look, most people are just fucking dolts, who, if were born 100 years ago, wouldn’t have made it to their 5th birthday. Sometimes, you have to cut and run! I’ve been an awful lover in bed, many times. But, I’ve also been with girls who were HORRENDOUS. Just terrible, I try to talk to them, try to see what make them tick, nothing. If that’s the case fellas, run! Pretend to pop early, don’t let her see the condom, and get the ass out of there! You’re not fucking her anymore anyway, and you can leave safe in the knowledge that it was her fault, tell all of your friends not to waste their time, and have a good laugh at her expense. Girls, the problem here is that you use this tip too often, too early. GIVE A GUY A CHANCE! African-American please! You want things too perfect, one little slip, you clam up (no pun intended), and you go off with your little girl friends, sounding like some crappy sitcom; “Oh guys are so dumb; they never know how to please us.” Guys want to get you off. As Rob Base said, “it takes two to make a thing go right.” But still, if all else fails, fuck it. Fake it, you ladies got plenty of practice in this arena anyway.

7. Self tip: share your fantasies. MY ASSCO TIP: share your fantasies before there is sex, preferably in a public forum.

I will let you know, before we get anywhere near doing it, what I am into. That way it makes it less awkward. You think it makes it more awkward to tell you before? Well, let's say I don't tell you what I'm into before we "make love." All of a sudden, I whip out a pig mask? It's what I'm into. Now you’re alone with me, scared and confused, looking for any object that can be used as a weapon. Let it all out in the open pre-nudity, you WILL find someone who loves masquerading as a member of the bovine species!

This relates to getting what you want, be honest! Straight up! Talk to me, I’m right here, hello! As I said before, nothing is sexier than someone who is confident in their shit. Well, what makes you confident is honesty. Honesty has got to be the sexiest quality a person can have. I DJ in a strip club. Now you may know that there is a “champagne room” in most of these clubs, you may also know that there is not supposed to be any sexual activity in them. Well, sometimes there is. But you’ll never get the girls to say what’s going on. They always deny it. Except one. This lovely woman, whose stage name is ironically, HOPE, told me this; “yeah, I let him go down on me and lick my ass if he wants to, I don’t go down on him, but he’s there with me, I’m having a good time, and I’m getting paid for it.” Some of you women right now might be thinking, “Whore”, I’m thinking, “Perfect woman.” This girl is not some drug addicted, self destructive, abused kid. I know her; she is educated, funny and confident, as well as a knockout. You know what? Every guy is into her. Can you imagine if everybody was that free in their sexuality and that open and honest? Men and women, talk, SAY WHAT YOU WANT.

8. Self tip: Slow Down. MY ASSCO TIP: speed up!

Speed up; go for what you want, right away. This ties in with communication. I think that with all the magazines and Hollywood movies, most people have this bullshit notion of what love, and sex really are. I’m a guy; I could give a shit about roses in the bedroom! But being an observant male, maybe that’s what you want. How about a compromise, this time I fuck your ass hard, next time, roses and a massage? If that’s what you really want. If you WANT me to just fuck your ass, we can save a ton of time by not trying to act like we’re in the movies, and save money to boot!

9. Self tip: Retire the Rabbit (don’t wank so much). MY ASSCO TIP: JERK IN FRONT OF ‘EM

Jerk off in front of your partner, preferably with the porn of your choice. This goes for ladies and men! If you can’t be that relaxed around your partner to cum, you suck! If you are so disgusted by your own body that you can’t masturbate in front of someone you have the hots for, YOU SHOULD NOT BE HAVING SEX, NOR SHOULD YOU BE A READER OF ASSCO!

There, MY Assco tips. Some of you might disagree, some might be enraged, but remember; it’s just years of shame, denial, and oppression. Have a revolution with yourselves and your booty calls. Enjoy it! Free your mind and your ass will follow. And don’t read SELF magazine!

After reading that last post...

2006-01-26T07:58:00.000-08:00

I think Ray needs a hug.

But I agree with him. I think I see a line being drawn in the AssCo Sand...The Ladies vs Da fella's.

I say we settle it with a water gun fight. Who's with me.?

ejw

Tales of Ass...

2006-01-25T09:38:00.000-08:00

I recieved a copy of this conversation by instant message a few minutes ago. It really speaks to me. Its what AssCo is about.

Ass. Ass. Ass.

An ACTUAL conversation...
The Non Ass Pursuer-Pursuer : 2pm get off of work
Chief Asstorian: i have a lunch date at 2p
Chief Asstorian: y?
The Non Ass Pursuer-Pursuer : 4pm leave the gym after work out
The Non Ass Pursuer-Pursuer : 5pm meet bartender at work
Chief Asstorian: oh ur tellin me about ur day
Chief Asstorian: i get it
Chief Asstorian: i assume this will end in sex of some kind
The Non Ass Pursuer-Pursuer : 7pm leave bar drunk with bartender and her friend
The Non Ass Pursuer-Pursuer: 7pm leave bar drunk with bartender and her friend
Chief Asstorian:i got that
Chief Asstorian: did u get the holy grail?
Chief Asstorian: 2+u?
The Non Ass Pursuer-Pursuer 715pm having sex with bartender while friend watches sucks titties and jerks me off
Chief Asstorian: excellent
The Non Ass Pursuer-Pursuer: 8pm take girls back to bar
The Non Ass Pursuer-Pursuer: 830 pm go back home clean room and shower
The Non Ass Pursuer-Pursuer 9pm go on date with asian co worker
Chief Asstorian: u gotta post on assco
The Non Ass Pursuer-Pursuer 10pm talk about asian co workers live in boyfriend
Chief Asstorian: and
The Non Ass Pursuer-Pursuer: 11pm take asian girl back to my place and fuck her brains out
Chief Asstorian: excellent
Chief Asstorian: i
Chief Asstorian: i think im proud of u

Now thats getting ass.

I think theres a tear in my eye.

director of special projects. bitches.

Rebound Ass

2006-01-24T11:54:00.000-08:00

Speaking as a new member of the company (you can call me Vice), I'm behind the movement for ass.

Not only was I dumped recently, but my first (and, so far, only) rebound ass was with my now-married-with-child high school best friend.

Doing everything I was afraid of doing at seventeen has given me bruises like badges and scars like stories. The ass I got was fresh, it was drunken, it tasted like a mistake we never thought we'd make and it left me breathless. I'm not a big proponent of talking during sex but when you are breaking so many rules, I encourage you to break another because what I heard was too good.

How did this happen? How did seven years pass before I got to kiss you like that?

Did you know I always snuck peeks at your breasts? They were perfect. They are perfect.

I've wanted to see you like this- across my bed- I've always wanted to see you ass, your thighs, your cunt. I always wanted you.

It's been more than a week since I woke up alone but I still feel like her hands have just been all over me. I woke up tasting like both bottles of Shiraz I emptied, staring at the third and the glasses miraculously unbroken on the nightable. Ass didn't make everything all right, there was no rent in an envelope or desire to leave anyone. Fucking my best friend didn't make up for the fact that I miss my ex-boyfriend and hope against hope he'll be there when I wake, still, or that the crush I finally got the nerve to ask out turned my down. It made me remember that sitting and typing, drinking spiked tangerine Emergen-C on a Tuesday afternoon I'm probably hotter than you think. I'm hotter than I thought. Damaged goods, sure, but a hot piece of ass.

The moral of the story is that Vice- or the going against every piece of good advice you've ever been given- can be fucking hott. And it can be good for you. Go forth and get ass where you never have before.

Down with the 'Co

2006-01-25T09:03:00.000-08:00

Okay folks. You know you want to be down with AssCo. Theres all sorts of wonderfulness coming up that will most likely get you some ass. And you DO want ass right? If you dont, get off this page. You're trespassing. You have no right to be here!

But for Ass Wanters. ASS NEEDERS. You need to join us. Get with the AssCo team. If you want to contribute to assco, send us an email at assco.online@gmail.com and we can see if your Ass wanting is worthy. I'm thinking a newsletter is soon to follow.

Yup. AssCo Newsletter. The latest news in Ass

This has got to be the best thing like ever. A company working for ass for all. We need an award.

Or we should give awards. The Assies.

Who's with me?!?!?!

More Meaningful Ass?

2006-01-24T20:30:00.000-08:00

When I saw that the new issue of SELF magazine in my mailbox (I like working the abs, people!) promised "More Meaningful Sex," I was intrigued. What would the tips be? Exchange names? Sober up? Clearly communicate what you need to come? Tips on being an ethical slut? One-Night Stand (ONS) success stories? Sadly, no. These tips are apparently for ladies in "relationships" and are therefore tips about "relationship sex" and not AssCo Sex. Let's see what the ladies at SELF have to say, and what AssCo has to say about it, shall we?

SELF tip: Rediscover Kissing. "Set some ground rules; 'Tonight you're not getting past first base'." AssCo Tip: Rediscover Making Out. but rules? peh.
SELF tip: Perfect a Look. [involving creepily staring at your mate until he sees you looking, then smiling and saying, "just thinking how much I love you."] AssCo Tip: Perfect A Look. The ability to get ready to leave the house looking fabulous in 15 minutes will be a valuable skill that will serve you well.
SELF tip: Try Touching [outside of bed]. AssCo Tip: I think we're all set on this one.
SELF tip: Focus on the Positive [if you are holding a grudge againse your bf]. AssCo Tip: Focus on the Positive-no need to put up with someone who bugs you. Next!
SELF tip: Pay Attention (avoiding sex on autopilot). AssCo Tip: Pay Attention (to where your clothes went).
SELF tip: Forsake the Fake (Orgasm). AssCo Tip: Why Fake It? Maybe someone out there has a good argument for why to give an ONS a Daytime-Emmy winning performance, but if they haven't earned it, why bother?
SELF tip: Share your Fantasies. AssCo Tip: Dream it, be it. You can often be twice as dirty with someone you hardly know.
SELF tip: Slow Down (communicating what you need to come). AssCo Tip: A little pot might help.
SELF tip: Retire the Rabbit (don't wank so much). AssCo Tip: You've got to be kidding! this is bullshit whether you have a BF or not. As Jessica says, if you aren't fucking just because you need to get off you can "concentrate on fucking for cash and prizes instead."

Sad Ass...

2006-01-23T18:02:00.000-08:00

I'm disappointed in AssCo and myself

We need more posts on here, the sad lack of posts shows that there is no ass to be found. I'm sad, what a truly sad day it is when there is no ass. This is the beginning ofthe end for America and Americans who want ass, unless we act now. Please spread the word, and more girls should post here, I mean, I'm looking for ass, lady ass at the moment. So ladies, help me, and help your fellow Americans with ass. Thank you.

A Concerned Assman

Loco Fo' AssCo yo

2006-01-17T12:17:00.000-08:00

er...I dont know what the title of this post means.

I just had a moment of 'this is gonna be cool!' Then lo and behold I look back on said title and it makes me cry a little. On the inside.

AssCo is on the MARCH people we have a fully staffed organization that is preparing to MOVE on punk asses who step in our way. YEAH SON YEAH!

Man I get way too excited.

I would love to post exploits of ass conquered in the past few days. But there hasn't been much conquering. I mean ass has been gotten(is that even a sentence?) but it was rightous ass. Loving ass. Not ass that should be gotten according to the AssCo Code, ya know?

Oh shit, i just realized. WE NEED AN AssCo CODE of CONDUCT. Ahem, Spiceycontent? Bussell? You guys wanna get on that? I'm a little busy you know. I have...er...special projects to handle. Yeah, thats it. SPECIAL.

im out.

a press/article/too tired to decide between the 2 and stick with it/i'm hungry

2006-01-11T10:50:00.000-08:00

AssCo: A Revolution in the making

Bloggers. Comedians, and Lay folk unite in joint venture to create the leading company in persuit of ass.

New York, NY January 11, 2006 – Blogger Extraordinaire spicycontent in conjunction with the Brooklyn Comedy Company (BcCo)'s founder Elon James White has created a brand new company in the hopes of revolutionizing the pursuit of Ass. On January 6th 2006 the organization now known as AssCo was formed.

“Being single is like being self employed, you truly are the head of your own business.” said spicycontent, CoFounder of AssCo, “Except this business is the business of getting yourself laid”

“Why are you asking me questions. You can’t make a fricken press release about a company that gets ASS!” Said head of the Brooklyn Comedy Company, Elon James White, “Come on man, my MAMA might see this shit! I love you mama!”

Assembling the best, brightest and well, some of the horniest, AssCo boast an impressive staff of all star Bloggers such as Rachel Kramer Bussel of Lusty Lady, and comedians such as Ray Rivera and Baron Vaughn.”I like ass. Period” says Ray Rivera. Which was a strange declaration since we were talking about cupcakes at the time of his comment.

So where will this revolutionary company go. How much ass will it receive? Who’s gonna sit here and actually post about? No one knows. What we do know is that whoever wrote this article/press release is really, really out there mind.

Really.

AssCo Recruitment policies

2006-01-19T10:24:00.000-08:00

Okay....no one wrote any code. I shall start the ball rolling . Here we go.

AssCo Code Rule 1
Ass that counts towards the AssCo score card is;
1) Ass that you recieve that is not of a relationship sort. I.E if you are in a relationship(like some people) and you get ass from your significant OTHER then you are not getting AssCo ass. AssCo ass is recieved via a non commited sexual session. Booty call ass from an ex qualifies. Unless you still have feelings for said ex. Then ass is nullified.

What the hell did i just write?

Erotic Reading on Wednesday

2006-01-16T14:06:00.000-08:00

I'm probably the least in pursuit of ass as any contributor to this blog, but I do write about sex sometimes. I'm also the official "Slut Coordinator" of AssCo, procuring interested, hot people for...who knows? But come on out on Wednesday and you can probably meet at least a few AssCo employees.

IN THE FLESH EROTIC READING SERIES
WEDNESDAY JANUARY 18th at 8 PM
AT HAPPY ENDING LOUNGE, 302 BROOME STREET
(B/D to Grand, J/M/Z to Bowery, F to Delancey,
www.happyendinglounge.com)
Admission: Free
http://inthefleshreadingseries.blogspot.com

Stay warm this winter with the hottest and juiciest
words in the city! January welcomes a stunning mix of
performers, including romance novelist Edith Layton
(Gypsy Lover), fiction writer Danyel Smith (Bliss),
and erotic storytellers Iris N. Schwartz (Stirring Up
a Storm) and Rob Stephenson (Best Gay Erotica), along
with a naughty tale from host Rachel Kramer Bussel.

In the Flesh is a new monthly reading series hosted at
the appropriately named Happy Ending Lounge, and
features the city's best erotic writers sharing
stories to get you hot and bothered, hosted and
curated by Village Voice sex columnist and acclaimed
erotic writer and editor Rachel Kramer Bussel. From
erotic poetry to down and dirty smut, these authors
get naked on the page and will make you lust after
them and their words. Future themed nights include
fetishes, true confessions, GLBT stories and erotic memoirs.

Get Organized in Two Thousand Sex!

2006-01-09T09:04:00.000-08:00

Since my New Years' Sexolution is to stay single (at least for the whole year if not longer), it has become clear to me that being single is like being self-employed. I am the head of my own business- the business of getting me laid.

While it's well-known that even traditional one-on-one dating can require a sizable staff to be successful, my current LLP* structure is simply overwhelmed by the logistical requirements of an orgy, a gangbang, or, at times, a simple three-way. Having considered the anticipated ass requirements for the upcoming year, I've decided to incorporate.

Read more about the new project in the press release on my graphic designer's blog. Nominations for the listed officer positions and board members are currently open (in the comments).

This project is cosponsored by the Stop Counting blog. How about yours?

Warmly,

Miss Girly
Chairwoman of the Board

*Loosely-Linked Posse

Many thanks to Mr. White for the inspiration.

Snow Day!

2006-01-14T16:31:00.000-08:00

mother nature
Originally uploaded by Cigee.

A blizzard is a great opportunity to stay inside and get some exercise. Here at AssCo, we'd like to share the following thoughts on how to maximize your fun:

Stay warm! If you have a hot New York apartment this might not be a problem, so you can prance around in a sexy slip or something. If not, consider this an opportunity to fuck with your clothes on- if someone has a fetish for knee-highs or union suits, or my favorite, fuzzy sweaters, this is the time to indulge it. (I think the ultimate for me would be a fuzzy sweater, schoolgirl skirt, and knee highs). Once I saw a famous porn star getting fucked while wearing a hoodie with kitty ears on it, and it's stuck with me for about 10 years now. You can really rock the adorableness on a snow day (see illustration at right). PS, if you fuck in someone else's clothes you've earned them, and don't have to give them back. [touching my heart.] I'm a woman and I know these things. Respect! So be careful when you borrow/lend that hoodie. Plus, if you do have a cold apartment, be aware and act accordingly. No one wants to get a spanking that's preceded by a cold rush of air. (Kind of negates the warmup.) And, while you have a lot of time on your hands, this might not be the right time to practice that complicated Japanese bondage you've been thinking about.
Don't let yourself go. Sure, we girls be gettin' sloppy in wintertime, but please! Although you can cover up hairy legs with kneesocks, and letting the bush grow may result in some interesting foreplay, your confidence can only benefit from keeping yourself in a condition where you're happy to be naked in daylight. If you're not down with the permanent hair removal, Shobha has a newly-remodeled Soho location as well as a midtown location for all you office ladies. The cleanest establishment in NYC, and their landing strips are so precise your OCD partner will be amazed. Trust! And guys, please cut those toenails. No one wants to get poked in the leg with that during snuggle time (or, more critically, sex).
Guys, don't let your house go. If you want a girl to stay naked in your house for more than six hours, please provide a shower she won't get pregnant and/or a flesh eating virus from. A clean bathtub for a bubble bath will definitely pay off in the bedroom, and, if you're very very lucky, the kitchen. Trust!
Snacks! If you're hosting, lay in some cheese, bread, crackers, olives, whatever, and some wine or bourbon. Bourbon if I'm coming over. Once I've bundled up to leave, that's it. (If you are actually dating, though, a blizzard is a great opportunity to go to that bar or restaurant nearby that you always want to go to but is usually full of annoying Jerseyites. You'll have the whole place to yourself. Except that you'll be too bundled up to really take advantage....)
Dress for comfort and pleasure. Winter is thong weather, believe it or not. (ok, not for guys (please), but too bad. keep rocking the cute boxer shorts/boxer briefs, we love it.) Considering that you're wearing thermals and pants or tights and a skirt and kneehighs and boots, there's no reason to have more panties on than you need to. (Not to mention the risk of upskirting in this weather is pretty small.) This is where the Cosabella mesh thong comes in. Not only is it featherlight and sexy, it comes in tiny envelopes you can take to your "destination" and will fit into your purse easily while you do your walk of pride home. Although, depending on the sitatuation, we do recommend that you host (see #3).
Finally, bring your game. Winter can be depressing, with all the family drama, sun not coming out, etc. If you should really be staying home watching Matlock or hanging out with your friends, do that instead. There will be more blizzards.

XXX

Girly

P.S. Your suggestions are welcome in the comments.

Recycled...

2006-01-12T21:56:00.000-08:00

This is a recycled old post of mine that has to do with the pursuit of ass. Of course, I'm a guy, so there was a little part of me that thought something might actually happen with this girl. Like maybe she'd invite me for a...something.

Enjoy.

The other night I had one of the strangest IM conversations I've ever had. I thought it was an old high school friend of mine named Sarah. I quickly learned it was not and then proceeded to have some sort of psuedo cyber sex thing. I don't know who this is. I don't even know if it was a guy or girl. Well, read on...

ME: hello?

HER: hello?

ME: wow you actually wrote back. usually i get your away message - "fuck you, baron"

HER: this actually isnt sarah

ME: oh. well this is now awkward

HER: she was signed on on my computer

ME: ah. hope i didn't offend with my profanity. i'm very vulgar, you dont even know!

HER: its all good

ME: coo. you black?

HER: no

ME: haha, sorry. i got excited for a split second. ok i'll leave you alone

HER: lol. sorry to dissapoint

ME: its ok. we can't all be perfect

HER: im white and blond. but I guess im not your type now. well i love black stallions

ME: haha

HER: and dont tell my mom :-)

ME: i'm a stallion now. i like this

HER: i gotta say I'm picky about men. they have to be able to take it a little rough. so you better be able to back up the stallion

ME: well it depends what you mean by stallion

HER: as in hung like a

ME: hmm. well...

HER: taking a long time to think about it eh. not a good sign
(yeah people with big dicks don't think. they just blurt shit out as fast as they can -BV)

ME: i don't have much experience with other penises. but i've been told I'm a stallion. i say that because to be is to be perceived

HER: your mom doesnt count

ME: hey OOOHH (Ed McMahon).you're funny

HER: i try

ME: i'm hilarious, but you're funny

HER: not all blonds are dumb :-)

ME: never said they were (sure, they all have online chats with strange men -BV)

HER: well lets see how clever you are...can you describe yourself in a way that turns me on

ME: go ahead

HER: but only using food terms

ME: well girl (I don't even hesitate -BV)

HER: terms that have to do with food, its preperation, or its consumption

ME: i don't exactly know how you expect me to "produce" what you need, but seriously, if your oven is ready i got something for it

HER: i know it sounds cooky, BUT a really slick guy can do it

ME: make sure you preset it. it needs to be hot

HER: 3/10 so far (what is that? a score or the number of references i must make? -BV)

ME: of course I'll use a mitten. i'm always protected. but yeah you know i just wanna spread butter on you sheet girl

HER: im not good at it

ME: grease it up nice like

HER: ok now im a little too excited

ME: cause we cooking with gas. with all burners. you know, i just gotta sautee with your sauce, but don't worry

HER: theres something about the thought of a marble statue and food that makes me really turned on. (Yeah, put an apron on Michaelangelo's David and she will cream herself -BV) im too excited i need to calm down. good night
ME: my souffle won't fall

WHAT THE...?! I LAUGHED MY ASS OF AFTERWARDS!! I CAN"T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY WENT THROUGHT WITH IT! DAMN I'M GOOD!