Strife in Assco! Division and derision among the ranks! I read the recent post, “more meaningful ass?” which mentions a Self magazine article, “More Meaningful Sex”, and which has “Assco” solutions for the tips written therein. I, as an Assco member, cannot have this post speak for me! I cannot and will not be silenced! Assco is a democracy, not an empire! So included in this post, is my take on the Self magazine article, with my elucidation on said “tips”. I hope this post sparks debate in the Assco community, and heightens our collective pursuit of ass! Democracy can only remain strong if it polices itself. Let the drama begin!
1.
Self tip: rediscover kissing. MY ASSCO TIP: REDISCOVER ORAL SEX.
Ladies, if you’re too fucking shy or unsure about your sexuality to give a blowjob, you can’t complain about your lack of fun and orgasms in the bedroom. Guys, if you don’t go down on a woman, you really should turn in your cock, you have no use for it. Anybody who does not engage in oral sex should be BOOTED from the bedroom. PERIOD! And yes, there is such a thing as bad oral. Fucking learn how to eat a pussy or suck a dick. Learn both! It WILL make you a better lover. Just learn!
2.
Self tip: Perfect a Look. MY ASSCO TIP: perfect a way to look at a girl’s ass without her noticing.
Try it on subway steps, escalators and supermarket check-out lines. Ladies, please look at us more, and LET US SEE YOU LOOKING! It’s the 21st century, be more aggressive, godammit!
3.
Self tip: Try touching (outside of bed). MY ASSCO TIP: How about touching inside the bed first.
Holy shit, we Americans are so damn repressed. FUCKING TOUCH ME! You’re looking at my dick the way you would look at a homeless man drunk and stumbling around on the subway with a hypodermic in his eye. I’m a nice man, have some trust for once in your goddamn life. Guys, again, should I have to spell this out for you, you gay wads? Touch the woman. Nicely! I happened to be in a three-way situation once, my best friend, his ex and I. He was touching her so rough, you could see her wince! We are not building a building, no ground is being broken. Because of guys not knowing how to touch a woman, I don’t get laid. Stop being so self absorbed and think about me jerk offs!
4.
Self tip: Focus on the positive. MY ASSCO TIP: Focus on the negative.
Hell yes! Ladies and Gentleman, focus on your partners negative qualities, it takes a lot of pressure off of you to perform when you know your partner cannot finish a crossword, bake a cake, or parallel park. Even better if there are physical imperfections! This rule requires a little tact. I’m not saying to say it to their face. If they are being an asshole, then let them have it! I’m not gonna let a girl give me a fucking attitude if she’s got a mole on her face, except maybe Cindy Crawford. (But I will focus on the fact that poor Cindy is over the hill). Ladies, if a guy is being an asshole, mention his gut, thinning hair, or lack of muscle definition, as well as his dick, he’s probably not fucking you good anyways. Focus on the NEGATIVE!
5.
Self tip: Pay attention. MY ASSCO TIP: Pay attention to yourself!
Damn Skippy, pay attention to yourself first, then to your partner. Nothing is more sexy then someone who is confident in their shit. The bedroom is no different. CHILL THE FUCK OUT! Guys, relax, take a breath, be in the moment, get all those stupid voices out of your heads, don’t worry about the rubber or how you have to please her, AND THEN proceed to make that bitch holler! Ladies, enjoy your sex. Stop thinking about your little imperfections and then projecting that fear and shame onto us, cut the psychology shit out! Guys don’t give a fuck if you’re a pound or two overweight; we’re NOT looking at your fingernails; we’re not concerned with whether you washed your hair today or not. He’s in the bedroom with you, naked, right now! Obviously there is something about you that he likes! So cut the shit, and enjoy yourself.
6.
Self tip: Forsake the fake (orgasm). MY ASSCO TIP: FAKE IT IF YOU HAVE TO!
Look, most people are just fucking dolts, who, if were born 100 years ago, wouldn’t have made it to their 5th birthday. Sometimes, you have to cut and run! I’ve been an awful lover in bed, many times. But, I’ve also been with girls who were HORRENDOUS. Just terrible, I try to talk to them, try to see what make them tick, nothing. If that’s the case fellas, run! Pretend to pop early, don’t let her see the condom, and get the ass out of there! You’re not fucking her anymore anyway, and you can leave safe in the knowledge that it was her fault, tell all of your friends not to waste their time, and have a good laugh at her expense. Girls, the problem here is that you use this tip too often, too early. GIVE A GUY A CHANCE! African-American please! You want things too perfect, one little slip, you clam up (no pun intended), and you go off with your little girl friends, sounding like some crappy sitcom; “Oh guys are so dumb; they never know how to please us.” Guys want to get you off. As Rob Base said, “it takes two to make a thing go right.” But still, if all else fails, fuck it. Fake it, you ladies got plenty of practice in this arena anyway.
7.
Self tip: share your fantasies. MY ASSCO TIP: share your fantasies before there is sex, preferably in a public forum.
I will let you know, before we get anywhere near doing it, what I am into. That way it makes it less awkward. You think it makes it more awkward to tell you before? Well, let's say I don't tell you what I'm into before we "make love." All of a sudden, I whip out a pig mask? It's what I'm into. Now you’re alone with me, scared and confused, looking for any object that can be used as a weapon. Let it all out in the open pre-nudity, you WILL find someone who loves masquerading as a member of the bovine species!
This relates to getting what you want, be honest! Straight up! Talk to me, I’m right here, hello! As I said before, nothing is sexier than someone who is confident in their shit. Well, what makes you confident is honesty. Honesty has got to be the sexiest quality a person can have. I DJ in a strip club. Now you may know that there is a “champagne room” in most of these clubs, you may also know that there is not supposed to be any sexual activity in them. Well, sometimes there is. But you’ll never get the girls to say what’s going on. They always deny it. Except one. This lovely woman, whose stage name is ironically, HOPE, told me this; “yeah, I let him go down on me and lick my ass if he wants to, I don’t go down on him, but he’s there with me, I’m having a good time, and I’m getting paid for it.” Some of you women right now might be thinking, “Whore”, I’m thinking, “Perfect woman.” This girl is not some drug addicted, self destructive, abused kid. I know her; she is educated, funny and confident, as well as a knockout. You know what? Every guy is into her. Can you imagine if everybody was that free in their sexuality and that open and honest? Men and women, talk, SAY WHAT YOU WANT.
8.
Self tip: Slow Down. MY ASSCO TIP: speed up!
Speed up; go for what you want, right away. This ties in with communication. I think that with all the magazines and Hollywood movies, most people have this bullshit notion of what love, and sex really are. I’m a guy; I could give a shit about roses in the bedroom! But being an observant male, maybe that’s what you want. How about a compromise, this time I fuck your ass hard, next time, roses and a massage? If that’s what you really want. If you WANT me to just fuck your ass, we can save a ton of time by not trying to act like we’re in the movies, and save money to boot!
9.
Self tip: Retire the Rabbit (don’t wank so much). MY ASSCO TIP: JERK IN FRONT OF ‘EM
Jerk off in front of your partner, preferably with the porn of your choice. This goes for ladies and men! If you can’t be that relaxed around your partner to cum, you suck! If you are so disgusted by your own body that you can’t masturbate in front of someone you have the hots for, YOU SHOULD NOT BE HAVING SEX, NOR SHOULD YOU BE A READER OF ASSCO!
There, MY Assco tips. Some of you might disagree, some might be enraged, but remember; it’s just years of shame, denial, and oppression. Have a revolution with yourselves and your booty calls. Enjoy it! Free your mind and your ass will follow. And don’t read SELF magazine!
